


~Without You, I Am In Darkness~

by Kairat11



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dean Winchester and Feelings, Dean misses cas so much, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, POV Dean, POV Dean Winchester, Pining Dean, dean monologue, dean regrets, in dean's head, so many feelings, the mark of cain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:21:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4398929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kairat11/pseuds/Kairat11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Mark is gone and I am lost; walking aimlessly behind the shadows of your broken ebony wings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	~Without You, I Am In Darkness~

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends,  
> This time it is Dean's turn to reflect. (This is the continuation or second part of 'Your Soul & My Grace')~
> 
> The chapter is unbeta'd so pardon my mistakes, I did my best to proofread it. Nevertheless I hope you enjoy the chapter as much as I did writing it. I might write their meeting if the muse visits me again.  
> Kudos and comments are always welcome. 
> 
> Happy reading!

_ _

 

_The Mark is gone and with it the darkness that coursed through my veins, yet I feel hopeless._

Missing you so much I can barely breathe; the emptiness in my chest doesn’t let me sleep. My soul is cold from the absence of your presence, _how did you think I was going to be happy?_ _You son of a bitch,_ _how did you dare to leave me? What made you think I would trade you for my sanity?_ I would rather drown in blood a thousand years than see you gone forever.

_The Mark is gone and my hands no longer drip with crimson blood but I feel tainted._

A sour taste overwhelms my tongue and I can’t stomach my favorite apple pie; only you are capable of ripping the joy of what I used to enjoy. Your grace saved me and condemned me; cursed me to lose you and I can’t see you, not even in my dreams. _Why did you leave me with the memory of your deep blue eyes telling me ‘I want you, I need you, and I love you?_

_The Mark is gone and Crowley and Rowena rule Hell as if nothing happened._

Your sacrifice was selfish Cas, you made me lose you and I don’t know how to get you back. You saved me but I am dying; I am rotting from your lose. I miss your ‘Hello Deans’, I miss you bashful pretty smiles and the warmth of your hands; I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and I can barely gather the desire to breath _. How do I breathe when you were my air?_ You took all the oxygen with you.

_The Mark is gone and I am so pissed off at Sam; I can’t even look at him in the eyes._

_What made him think this is what I wanted?_ No, I am beyond pissed of; I am furious like a rabid dog that had lost its mind. I am raging with violent desire to lose myself again in the oblivion of pitch black darkness. It would have been better to lose my mind than lose my heart; I would have preferred to become soulless than feel the emptiness of you presence. My hands are tormented when I reach for you and there’s only void instead of your heat.

_The Mark is gone and Charlie was one of your last miracles; you gave more of yourself again to bring others happiness._

I can’t help to despise your kindness; your compassion that made you doomed me to suffer your absence. I hate you and I love you, I curse you and I want you, I reject you and I need you; Cas, angel come back to me because I love you, I want you and I need you. I feel like the most pathetic and dumbass fool for denying what I felt; if my gazes could speak they would tell you how I feel. My hands itch for you skin and my eyes are vacant holes; I miss your face so divine and the softness of dried lips.

_The Mark is gone and I am lost; walking aimlessly behind the shadows of your broken ebony wings._

You were a billion brilliant galaxies illuminating my dark soul; your eyes were the oceans that moved my anchored heart. You walked in my nightmares and each sure step slayed the demons bringing me torment. Your trench coat was the blanket that I wanted to be tucked in; you said my name and all was right in my chaotic world for the second it rolled off your mouth. Each word from your delicious lips was the word of God for me; my faith I put in you, even when I was being a jerk. I hurt you and you betrayed me, I abandoned you and you left me, you said sorry and I broke you; telling you to leave ripped me apart and my heart became a barren land.

_The Mark is gone and I still feel the darkness, the nightmares, the pain, the cries and the blood in this human body; so worthless and useless, so disgusting and weak._

Nothing makes sense without you; being a demon and bearing the mark made more sense than this. Nothingness is the worse punishment; losing you is my biggest regret because I didn’t have a choice. _You bastard, you did it again; hiding the truth from me, going behind my back._ You once told me ‘I will watch over you’, _where is your promise now Cas?_ You condemned me to loneliness, to live without your care and to walk longing for you. I was so stupid, so proud and in so much fucking denial; now I can’t tell you how you were the miracle my soul was waiting for.

_The Mark is gone and I wish I was gone too; I have already done and given enough, until there is only the empty shell of me. Your absence claws at my insides; I regret, regret so much. Your absence is my hell._

_Will you come and raise me from perdition again Cas? Or will you keep flying away from me with your ravishing and broken raven wings?_ I don’t want another angel; you are the heaven I believe in, your mistakes mean nothing because you always did your best. We fought against all odds in Purgatory and you let go of my hand; you absence then drove me to the brink of madness but that is nothing compare to now. Then, I suspected you would come back to me but now…, _Cas, please come back to me, I can’t deal with this emptiness_. No sound can break the silence but the sound of your fluttering wings; _come back Cas, I can’t see anything but fog_.

_The Mark is gone and I feel cold; I miss the warmth of your breath and the tenderness of your strong hand on my shoulder. I am drowning in unshed tears and in the smiles that want to scream._

The sky is crying bitter tears in this gloomy, pitch black night; the sky is crying my tears because mine had run dry. The trees are dancing a mournful dance; the branches creaking like my breaking heart. The thunder rolls on the vast emptiness of the sky like the pain bounces in my soul. The pale moon is hidden behind heavy clouds; she is grieving for her lover just like I mourn for you. I am like her, shining seemingly happy but inside I am a mess; I feel the clouds closing in and overshadowing the sun. I am alive but I am not; I am a memory of my old self.

The Mark is gone and your grace in me is the misery that pains my body and the horror that chains me. You are gone and I forgot how to exist; _how did I exit before I met you?_

I try to lie down in bed but I can’t rest; my mattress feels like a coffin full of needles prickling my skin. I reach for you and my hands come back empty and I want to scream and break all the mirrors. My skin misses your skin; I miss the fevered accidental touches and scorching aimed caresses. I regret not brushing your lips with mine as if you were the brush painting on my canvas. Now I won’t know the taste of those honeyed pink lips; I will die a sad honey bee not knowing what ambrosia tasted like.

_The Mark is gone and I don’t have a purpose; I don’t enjoy hunting like I did before. Helping people is engrained in me but I don’t feel the adrenaline anymore. I am missing my heart and I can’t breathe._

My soul and your grace talk and dance; swirl around each other in a sensual millennial dance and I feel envious till the point of blood lust. They have each other and I don’t have you; _Cas you saved me from a terrible hell to condemned me to an even greater one_. The hell I am in now is an all feeling, hopeless, empty, cold living nightmare, absence comfort or escape. You were cruel my blue-eyed angel; your kindness is my poison and your love a torture weapon.

_The Mark is gone and I want to be surrounded by your stardust and brilliance and by the softness of your obsidian broken wings._

I want to kiss you and touch you like the sea touches the shore and the violent waves crash against the rocks. I want you tender and wild, gentle and rough; I want you anyway I can have you, _please come back to my waiting, empty arms dark-haired angel._ My soul talks to your grace in the language of my love for you and your grace sends dulcet songs emanating from the earth. _Beloved_ , it says, _I love you with the force of an eternal life; stay with me_ my soul answers, _I will forever embrace you in my light,_ your grace replies. I hunger and thirst for your powerless human body and the honey of your lips; I yearn for your beating human heart and the feelings in your veins.

_The Mark is gone and I feel you at night, caressing me with your hot breath; I touch you in the air that surrounds my arms and I can hear you in the wind as I drive Baby in the open road._

I miss you, I crave for your touch, I yearn for long gazes and ocean blue eyes; I long for my prayers to reach your ears and I desire your praises and the ‘Hello Deans’ from your tongue. The way I miss you hurts physically, I feel it in every pore; I walk and I wish you were walking beside, no personal space. I miss your adorable head tilts when you are confused and the squinty eyed looks when you miss my references; I mourn the concerned expression of your handsome face and the intensity of our lust. I still hate myself but I have learned to love the person I am with you; you are everything I wanted but didn’t think I deserved. You are everything I rejected because I thought I didn’t need it; now you are my bucket list, my flying dream, my utopia and my holy grail.

_The Mark is gone and I wish I was gone too; the torture of you absence is venom to my soul._

It would have been better to let me drown in blood.

_The Mark is gone and I am blinded by despair and misfortune; nothing comes out right when you aren’t by my side._

Why did you love me, only to leave me?                                     

_The Mark is gone and my feet walked off course; I am like a soul without life floating in the wind as if a feather plucked from a bird._

Why do I need a soul when my feelings are dying?

_The Mark is gone and I feel numb._

I look at the starry sky and see the stars shining and ask myself if you are one of them; I want to reach my frozen arms and sing a symphony to you. Cas you were always so dazzling and breathtaking, so gorgeous and glorious; the day you came to me in a shower of sparkles was the day I believed for the first time that miracles may be real. You read me like a children’s book; just one gaze from those splendid blue eyes and I was raw and naked in front of you.

_The Mark is gone and I pray every night for you to come back to me; I promise this time to be honest and forgiving, open and giving, warm and welcoming. I promise to unleash this love and let it fly to you with unbridled courage. Cas, answer my prayers and take away this darkness._

The night looks devastatingly sorrowful; the stars have lost their radiance, they are crying. The beautiful glittering moon had lost her charm; she is dressed in tears. The trees no longer sway; they are frozen cold by the grief that stole their souls. The wind doesn’t know where to go; he is lost. The rainfall is a curtain of fear and anguish; the flowers once colorful have wilted. My world without you is engulfed shadows and colorless.

_The Mark is gone and my soul has left with the whispering of the night; my battered heart is bleeding because of the mortal wound your love and your goodbye has inflicted._

I yearn for you and knowing you won’t come to me is like a sharp blade to my chest; but I overcome it because your grace tells my soul _don’t worry favored one, our bond is too profound and strong to be broken so easily; have faith in me, believe in the love and devotion I have shown you time and time again._

_The Mark is gone from my body and from my veins; my heart and soul are free and my mind is cleared of madness._

_The Mark is gone and I’ll wait for you like you have waited for me countless times before._

I’ll wait here then; patiently, lovingly, eagerly and with open arms so when you return, you’ll do so in the warmth of my embrace.

_The Mark is gone and I’ll wait for you in my cold bedroom in the bunker, while I drive Baby, in a shitty motel room, eating pie at a roadside diner and during hunts._

_The Mark is gone and I don’t want to be your mission; I want to be your choice._

_The Mark is gone and I don’t want you to be my brother, my friend or my buddy, not even my guardian angel; I want you to be the feelings beating in my heart._

The cellphone on my bed rings and my quick hands reach for it; the air is gone from my lungs and the colors return to my sight.

_“Hello Dean,”_

_The Mark is gone and I am alive again; two words and I can finally breathe._

“ _Cas?_ ” your name rolls out of my tongue like a benediction and my world is whole again.

_The Mark is gone and you are back; your light has destroyed all the shadows in my soul._


End file.
